Since coming back from ASHA, I had a breakthrough of sorts. This semester has been challenging in more ways than I think I was prepared to encounter. I struggled with seeing the journey for what it is presently, rather than what I found myself focusing on: the entire grad school experience. But attending ASHA and seeing thousands of people doing what they do best was the jolt I needed to snap out of the anxious state I found myself in for the entire semester. If that many people could survive the seemingly never-ending cycle of worrying, crying, and studying, I could too. Seeing the community of SLPs who are fulfilling their dreams, helping people, and making advances in research was the exact glimpse of survival through grad school I needed to break my own negative cycle. I came back with a renewed energy to finish my classes with less stress and such a strong desire to pour my heart into my research project. Being so stuck in my stubborn ways of planning every detail out made me lose the excitement I thought I should have for the future I wanted. Having an internal battle with my heart and mind was the most frustrating and exhausting thing to work through. Somewhere, my ability to rationalize beyond the stress was lost, and I was letting a little bump in the road escalate to be a mountain-sized problem in my head. I had gotten to a point where I questioned everything, but deep down, never doubted anything. There was something that made me still believe that I loved every second even when the tears and frustration made it look and feel like I hated it. Going into grad school, I had mixed emotions, and they only became more intense when the semester was in full swing. I went through the motions of survival and hoped I did not go down like a sinking ship. Having a health issue in the middle of it all did not help my case either. So, when ASHA rolled around, I was hardly feeling much better, and adhesive heat packs were my best friends. As much as I was looking forward to going, I knew it was going to be a hard trip for me. With the help of my friends who were willing enough to bandage me up and obliged by staying in and ordering takeout, I survived. Compared to last year’s ASHA we went from being girls’ night out to The Golden Girls. Having a good stack of homework that had to get done was enough to keep us in anyway. With as much that was going on between school, ASHA, and life in general, my mind was consumed and overwhelmed. I knew the desires of my heart; I could not get my brain to think beyond the stress and see the light at the end of the tunnel would come soon enough. The idea of giving up on my dreams was never an option, but I struggled with wondering if I would ever make it. The fear of failure was real, and looking back now, I realized I let it escalate to heights that were disproportionate to the current state of the matter. It took going to Boston to get me out of this funk that made me not recognize myself anymore. There came the point in the semester before going to ASHA where a friend called me over, pulled out a picture, and said: “I miss this girl; get her back.” That was an ah-ha moment that made me aware of how much I was letting the pressure bother me. When my friends were noticing that big of a difference in me, I knew I had to snap out of it, and that paired with spending a few days in Boston to level my head, I began to think clearly again. Sure, this semester was tough, but I came out stronger. I was never second-guessing my decision to pursue the career path of my dreams. No matter how hard it got, I knew deep down there was still an excitement. When I returned, I dove back into my research project and got it to the next step of submitting it for board review before leaving for break, and I finished the semester without any tears. And compared to how the first part of the semester went, this was a major step forward. There was a new motivation to push through and get the job done no matter what it took. My clients got the best of me instead of what was left of me, and we made a partnership work to see the sessions to the end. Without going to ASHA, I would have still been stuck in a deep rut of letting every little thing get to me and stop me from being the student, clinician, and person I knew I could be. I needed to see that there was life after grad school and that others were either in the same boat as me currently or had been and still survived. This chapter of life sure has not been smooth sailing, but it makes me appreciate the good times. A good dose of reality and the small voice deep down made me remember that the reason I started this journey was that this is my passion. Stay Curious, Kayla ©Inquisitive Perspectives 2018
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
July 2019
|