Well, it has been a month since I kissed the freedom of summer goodbye and the harsh reality of grad school has been served on a platter. It has been quite the learning curve, and for anyone who knows me, knows I am usually up for any challenge and love going to school. Now, I think I still love it, but my perspectives have changed, and I just have to get used to the new way of doing things. It has not quite been smooth sailing. Instead, it has been more like being in a tiny sailboat during tsunami-force winds with dry land being in the distance. I know this is only temporary, but it is a lot to process and adapt to the ever-changing and fast-paced rigor. All week I struggled with facing the challenges head-on and making the most of them. But, in the midst of me thinking I had to take on the world and succeed on the first try, every Bible verse or song or devotion was pointing to the very things that would help me the most. Life is an uphill battle, and there will be storms and mountains. Last week was a storm, but after every storm, there is a rainbow. And that promise is a reminder that when we are faithful, strength will conquer. I admittedly have not reached the top of my mountain yet, but there is time to take this journey in strides. I have to keep reminding myself to remain constant and that the prevailing mantra to help me stay grounded is faith over fear. Stay Curious, Kayla ©Inquisitive Perspectives 2018
0 Comments
I was never taught that failure was never an option, because (1) that is an unrealistic way of thinking and (2) it is unfair to be preprogrammed into thinking failure is that cut and dry. Instead, I was taught to learn from failure, and when life knocks you down, how I handled it was more important than what knocked me down. Not that I have had a hard crash in life, but there are days when it feels like my best is not good enough. I think we can all relate to those times when things did not go as expected no matter how prepared we felt. Things happen, and often, it is beyond our control. However we handle the situation says so much more about us and our character than the moment in time that had us at a low point thinking we are failures or less than whatever standard we have set for ourselves. I am far harder on myself than anyone else, and I do not have a good explanation for it other than wanting to achieve the lofty goals I have set for myself. I get on my own nerves when I do this to myself, but at the same time, I cannot help it and do it anyway. No matter what happens, I know that I will get through whatever is bothering me or challenging me more than I anticipated. Lessons have been learned, and more are to be had. That is the cycle of life. While some days I am on my A-game at the top of the literary wheel of fortune, other days, it feels like I am sinking to the bottom of it. Regardless of the struggle, physically or emotionally, the only way out is to go through it, even if it is through trial by error. Stay Curious, Kayla ©Inquisitive Perspectives 2018 It has been a relatively smooth transition into this chapter of life. I feel like I am one peg higher in my adulting status, but still, have such a long way to go before I am good at it. Is anyone actually good at being an adult? I will keep you posted on that breaking news when or if I ever reach such a level of achievement. Regarding figuring out a new routine and new normal that is ridiculously hard to schedule, I realize that I did not know what the true definition of being busy was. I have a new appreciation of being home (where ever that may be these days). It can be frustrating being on the go all the time, so to save some time and the little sanity I am trying to preserve, I find great comfort in allowing myself the ease of coming into a haven to create, think, and recharge. I am taking homebody to another level. Between being up to my eyeballs in work and desperately needing a nap all the time, my life revolves around being where my checklist can get done, and the bags under my eyes are held at bay. The first week into grad school had me torn between being where I knew I needed to be (at school) and where I wanted to be (at home with my family). I have since gotten over the shock of everything happening at once and love the little oasis I get to come home to each weekday and look forward to coming home on the weekends. The idea of belonging and contentment struck me during the second week when reality set in and the harshness wore off. This is just another one of those times in life when I will look back and be glad for the course and take whatever comes in strides. No matter how hard it gets or how overwhelmed I am, I know this is what was meant to be. Stay Curious, Kayla ©Inquisitive Perspectives 2018 I had a random thought come to mind. Remember Harold and the Purple Crayon books? I loved them as a kid (and I still do). My favorite color is purple, so that was appealing as a side note, but I also identified with his wandering spirit and trusty sidekick of always having his crayon. Everywhere he went, his crayon was there to tell the story of his journey as it happened. I feel like even though I have grown up, my love for those stories were not outgrown. Harold trekked near and far. He captured vivid accounts of his imagination through interpretations and illustrations. I am realizing now that maybe the reason I like those books so much was that I saw myself in the fictional character. It was hard to distinguish if he was chasing the crayon or the crayon was chasing Harold. I write to live, and I live to write. It sounds cheesy, and maybe it is. So much of my life revolves around writing and continuing on life’s journey. I do not know what chapter I am currently working on, nor do I know how many more chapters I see play out. As for me and my current chapter, I am excited to see a story come together. With each new chapter, it marks the start of a clean slate and a new day brings a story. I love keeping a record of the highlights and even the low points because no matter what happens, it still all belongs to my story. There have so many nights when I cannot turn off my racing thoughts. On those nights, I revisit former chapters. I have the unique chance to do that, and I am so glad my life journal is accessible no matter where I am. Rereading some parts gives me hope and recharges my energy to keep plugging through on my journey now. My anxiety in new transitions can be my worst enemy, so as crazy as it sounds, seeing previous chapters begin and end makes it a little easier and brings comfort. I am embarking on a new chapter called grad school. Going to grad school has been the goal for a long time and starting in on tackling such a big chapter is intimidating. There are so many exciting things to look forward to, and I cannot wait to watch this chapter come to life. As exciting as a new beginning is, it has its scary elements too. I think the unknown scares me the most and the fear of not cutting it. I know my program is going to be hard, and I am ready for the challenge (I think), but it is still a real fear that runs through my head when I cannot sleep at night. I sure do not have the answers to all of these hypothetical questions or have ideal outcomes for my hypothetical situations. What I do know is that I have a more than wonderful support systems in my parents and friends. They are the real MVPs because there are very few people you can ugly cry in front of and they still like you. I know that no matter where my story takes me, these people will always be my biggest cheerleaders. So, regardless of what my chapters look like, I know I am in for an adventure and have the best supporters behind me. My goals have always been big. And I guess the saying “if your goals do not scare you, they are not big enough,” applies here and warrants the butterfly flutters in my stomach. I have gotten this far by chasing my goals and overcoming the challenges that stood in my way, and this is not about to stop any time soon. Here I go. Just like Harold, I will have a trusty pen in my hand to collect story upon story and memory after memory. This new chapter begins right now and is awaiting my pen strokes on the very first page. Stay Curious, Kayla ©Inquisitive Perspectives 2018 |
Archives
July 2019
|