As I was procrastinating this week, I came across another blog that made me think “wow, this is me.” My friends and I are in the thick of grad school right now, and the draining hoops we are jumping through makes our brains play some not-so-funny tricks on us. All that to say this: even though it is hard, and there are many tears, it does not mean we are not aware of the idea that other people did not get in or that we are not grateful for the huge opportunity. It merely means that we are allowed to feel all of the emotions and should not be guilted into thinking what we are feeling is wrong because we made it. I seriously debated whether or not I would write yet another sap story about grad school, and especially drawing inspiration from this specific quote. But, after reading the other blog, at the bottom of her page (linked here) was this quote by Mr. Rogers, and I knew then, the need to get this off my chest was validated. Growing up, I never cried. It was not because I was told not to cry; I just did not. Through my years of schooling, that is when my happiness, sadness, and sometimes anger morphed into an expression of tears. I have no clue why that has become my outlet, but it sure makes me feel better after getting it all out there. Grad school emotions run high, and the intenseness of everything around me often made my little outbursts worse. Looking back at times I cried in undergrad and before seem insignificant now. And hopefully, down the road, I will look back at this time and wonder why and how I cried this much. I knew this chapter in my life would be hard, and I thought the challenge would be good for me. Parts of it made me stronger, while others felt like they were breaking me. No matter the life lessons that have come and will come from this grad school experience, nothing could have prepared me for the whirlwind emotions from one extreme to the next. No one quite gets the struggle until you are in neck deep together. Lucky for us, my track in the program is a pretty tight group of people. We have our friend groups, and we certainly understand the stresses, fears, and celebrate the successes even harder. When you are comfortable enough to cry in front of people who were once strangers not even a year ago, you know you have reached a strong level of friendship and formed a bond that could have held the Titanic together. We are in this together until the end, and probably beyond into our careers. No one said it would be easy. And to think tears are a sign of weakness, I have to disagree. There is only so much I can bottle up and pretend like nothing is bothering me until I have to get it all out. I will say, the last two months have been tear-free, but exams are not quite over yet, so I reserve the right to revoke that statement. Regardless of the chapter we find ourselves in, unless someone has walked the same miles in our shoes, no one can invalidate the thoughts and feelings. I realize most of them were irrational now, but that was the exhaustion talking and the mountain of work waiting to be completed was pulling me down in a rabbit hole of doubt. So, go ahead. Cry it out. Stay Curious, Kayla ©Inquisitive Perspectives 2019
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